Archives for October 2012

Richly textured ‘Wuthering Heights’ reinvents a dark classic

Wuthering Heights/2011/Oscilloscope Laboratories/128 min.

Kaya Scodelario plays older Cathy.

I often think of Scarlett O’Hara as the 19th Century prototype for a femme fatale. But I could just as easily make a case for Cathy Earnshaw, the willful, pragmatic and unconventional heroine of “Wuthering Heights,” Emily Brontë’s 1847 novel, set in the remote and mysterious English moors in the late 1700s.

Though lots of literature’s leading ladies (including Scarlett) have juggled two men on the sly, Cathy is completely up front in her decision to have her cake and eat it too. She will marry wealthy local landowner Edgar Linton in order to live in comfort and style. But she sees no reason to forsake her intimate friendship with Heathcliff, her treasured companion from childhood, a gypsy orphan whom her father adopts. So, she doesn’t.

And in some ways, the characters in “Wuthering Heights,” a strange, visceral love story that’s also a tale of revenge with an undercurrent of violence, prefigure some of the warped relationships we see 100 years later in film noir.

Solomon Glave and Shannon Beer play Heathcliff and Cathy as children.

Director Andrea Arnold’s version of what she calls “an unsettling, troubling book” is a spare, stark and unrelenting depiction of the dark classic. “I wanted to honor the essence of the book but give myself some room to explore and meander in their childhood,” said Arnold at a recent roundtable. “I try my best not to explain everything.”

Brontë’s novel has been adapted many times in many forms – most famously by William Wyler in 1939, with Sir Laurence Olivier and Merle Oberon, and in 1992 by Peter Kosminsky, starring Juliette Binoche and Ralph Fiennes. There’s also a Monty Python version called “The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights.”

In Arnold’s film, the young, madly devoted lovers are played by Shannon Beer and Solomon Glave. Kaya Scodelario and James Howson play the older Cathy and Heathcliff. Lee Shaw is particularly chilling as the abusive Hindley (Cathy’s brother). Beer, Glave and Howson make their acting debuts here. Says Arnold: “I have this fascination with authentic faces. I trust in cinema that a face can tell you things.”

This “Wuthering Heights” has minimal dialogue, no score, rough camerawork and a great deal of cruelty, to animals as well as people. Arnold makes the decision not to focus on exposition and thankfully avoids shaping the story to be “accessible.” Instead, with rugged images, rich textures and stinging performances, Arnold evokes a feeling of what life might have been like at that time – wild and brutal, isolated and tedious, and often short (Brontë died in 1848 at 30) – but also perhaps coolly purposeful and fiercely in the moment.

“Get over it, move on,” a modern audience might urge Heathcliff. But taking that attitude misses the point. In choosing to cling so stubbornly to the raw, singularly flawed passion he feels, he surrenders to the fact that its failure and triumph define him.

“Wuthering Heights” opens today at the Nuart Theatre in Los Angeles.

Classic Cain, power plays, Turner and Garfield in ‘Postman’

The Postman Always Rings Twice/1946/MGM/113 min.

In the opening of “The Postman Always Rings Twice,” a sign reading “MAN WANTED” flashes at us twice. This man, John Garfield as it happens, is really wanted. But you wouldn’t know it from Lana Turner’s imperious entrance.

She drops a tube of lipstick, then deigns to let him pick it up and return it to her. He decides to let her get it herself. She’s unruffled and he’s hooked. In a way, these first few minutes of the film foreshadow the sexual power play between Garfield’s Frank and Turner’s Cora.

The godless-like Cora, with her platinum hair, pouty lips and gorgeous curves, is arguably Turner’s most memorable role. One of film noir’s most famous femmes fatales, she is by turns a come-hither, passionate seductress and an icy blonde who likes to be the boss. Notice how often she wears white, sometimes from head to toe.

Lana Turner as Cora and John Garfield as Frank cook up trouble in the restaurant Cora runs with her husband.

Garfield as Frank gives her a run for her money, both in looks and attitude. Ephraim Katz writes of Garfield (born Julius Garfinkle, the son of a poor immigrant Jewish tailor): “[His] screen character was … not much at variance with his own personality – that of a cynical, defiant young man from the other side of the tracks, a resilient rebel with a chip on his shoulder who desperately tries to charm and muscle his way onward and upward.

“Despite the mediocrity of many of his films, Garfield’s boyish virility and his ability to project a soulful interior underneath a pugnacious façade made him an attractive star to many filmgoers. When given a proper vehicle, he proved himself a sensitive and solid interpreter.” (Garfield was later blacklisted for refusing to name friends as Communists in response to a House Un-American Activities Committee investigation.)

“Postman” more than qualifies as a proper vehicle. Frank, a hitchhiker at loose ends, stops at a roadside restaurant on the outskirts of LA and sees the MAN WANTED sign, posted by the owner, Cora’s chubby, cheerful, and much older, husband Nick (Cecil Kellaway). Nick persuades Frank to stay and work; not a bad deal considering that he also gets room and board.

Love on the rocks: Notice how often Cora wears white.

Before long, Nick and Cora become lovers and decide to do away with Nick so that they can start their new life together with a fat pile of cash. From there, things get darker and more diabolical. They botch their first attempt (death by electrocution) and their second try (they fake a car crash) results in charges being brought against them, which may or may not stick.

“Postman,” based on the James M. Cain novel and directed by Tay Garnett, is about as jet-black and unrelentingly bleak as they come. Harry Ruskin and Niven Busch wrote the script. There is no comic relief or guy-buddy subplot of the kind that you get in Billy Wilder’s “Double Indemnity,” also based on a Cain novel and written by Wilder and Raymond Chandler.

Also, the character of Nick gets a fair amount of screen time and, far from being a dire wretch of a husband (like the husband in “Double Indemnity,” played by Tom Powers), he’s affable and kind. He knows she doesn’t love him and even seems inclined to turn a blind eye if Cora and Frank want a romp in the hay. The dour vision of their betrayal, ill-fated reconciliation and their dogged determination to kill him feels far more uncomfortable – queasy even.

Because Garnett isn’t as visually stylish as many of the noir directors, “Postman” is a more blunt rendering than other essential noirs. But it’s also possible that Garnett, who was also a writer, was more interested in exploring the nuances of Cain’s book. Garnett and Cain grapple with the deepest issues of noir – for example, upending the myth that America is a classless society.

Cecil Kellaway (left) plays Nick, Cora’s husband, who is not bad as portly older husbands go. This lends his murder much gravity.

Only slightly less chilling than the violence perpetrated by the waitress and the manual worker, Garnett suggests, is the cavalier, snarky attitude of these two bourgeois buddies on the “right” side of the law (Leon Ames as district attorney Kyle Sackett and Hume Cronyn as defense lawyer Arthur Keats).

The case is nothing more than a game to them and they place a $100 bet on who will win. They’re not above using questionable methods to yield their desired results. Yet, they are considered upstanding members of society, whereas Cora and Frank are common criminals who must be punished.

Another point in Garnett’s favor: He gets excellent work from the leads and supporting players (also look out for noirista Audrey Totter). Cora and Frank are complicated parts that require range, depth and the ability to project irony.

Their love may be twisted, it’s true, but it goes through many incarnations and we sense that they are drawn to each other from mutual desperation and shared disappointment. As Frank tells her: “We’re chained to each other, Cora.”

Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange made a steamier version of the story in 1981, directed by Bob Rafelson.

To be sure, there’s no shortage of gloom. But, with leads as gorgeous and sexy as Garfield and Turner, every minute makes compelling viewing.

When Bob Rafelson remade the movie in 1981 with Jessica Lange and Jack Nicholson, replete with raunchy sex scenes, Frank and Cora sizzled once more.

‘The Postman Always Rings Twice’ quick hit

The Postman Always Rings Twice/1946/MGM/113 min.

“Postman” is from that strain of noir that prizes stark realism above all else, particularly humor and visual style. Based on a James M. Cain novel and directed by Tay Garnett, it’s a grim story of two lovers – blonde-bombshell temptress Lana Turner and earthy, streetwise super-hunk John Garfield – who bump off Lana’s wealthy husband, get away with it, but then face a whole new set of problems.

Hard-as-nails Turner makes a splendid femme fatale and Garfield matches her beat for beat. The great supporting cast includes Cecil Kellaway, Leon Ames, Hume Cronyn and Audrey Totter. Dour and dire, yes, but also sexy and compelling. Required viewing for any noir aficionado.

Chicago film fest opens Thursday with ‘Stand Up Guys’

The Chicago International Film Festival, the oldest competitive film festival in North America, starts tonight at the Harris Theater in Millennium Park with “Stand Up Guys,” a crime comedy about retired gangsters who reunite for one epic last night. The fest, now in its 48th year, runs through Oct. 25.

Produced by Chicagoan Tom Rosenberg (Academy Award winner, “Million Dollar Baby”) and directed by Chicagoan Fisher Stevens (Academy Award winner, “The Cove”), the film features an all-star cast including Academy Award winners Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin as well as Emmy and Golden Globe-winner Julianna Margulies, all of whom will be in Chicago to celebrate opening night.

“This is without a doubt the most exciting opening night for the Chicago International Film Festival in many years,” says Michael Kutza, CIFF founder and artistic director.

This year’s fest features 175 films, representing 50 countries. The After Dark competition is a selection of the most chilling films from around the world. There are also panels, parties, discussions and tributes.

The Noir File: Tracy is tops in Lang’s anti-lynching classic ‘Fury’

By Michael Wilmington and Film Noir Blonde

A guide to classic film noir and neo-noir on cable TV. All the movies are from the current schedule of Turner Classic Movies (TCM), which broadcasts them uncut and uninterrupted. The times are Eastern Standard and (Pacific Standard).

PICK OF THE WEEK

Fury” (1936, Fritz Lang). Monday, Oct. 8, 8 p.m. (5 p.m.)

Spencer Tracy stars in “Fury,” one of the most Germanic of Fritz Lang’s American movies.

The two great American anti-lynching movies are Fritz Lang’s 1936 classic “Fury,” and William Wellman’s great 1943 Western “The Ox-Bow Incident.” “Fury” is the more powerful of the two, the more effective, the more memorable. Lang’s film, which he also co-wrote, is an explosive saga of a Depression-era small city descending into lynch hysteria. Spencer Tracy, at his youthful naturalistic best, is Joe Wilson, a decent, ordinary, working-class guy who stops his car in the town and is mistaken for a kidnapper. Locked in jail despite his desperate protestations of innocence, Joe is then subject to a terrifying nocturnal assault by the maddened townspeople, who drive away the craven police guards and burn the jail down, killing Joe – they think.

But Joe is alive, having fled back to the big city and his family and fiancée (Sylvia Sidney). And he is now consumed with obsessive dreams of fiery revenge and awful retribution. What happens in the course of that revenge may be unlikely, but “Fury” is still gripping, frightening and hypnotic. It’s one of the most Germanic of Lang’s American movies, one of the strongest social message dramas of the ’30s, and as obvious a precursor of ’40s film noir as Lang’s1931 masterpiece “M.” With Walter Brennan, Bruce Cabot, Walter Abel and Frank Albertson. Screenplay by Lang and Bartlett Cormack, from a story by Norman Krasna.

Saturday, Oct. 6

“Party Girl” is pure Nick Ray: romantic, moody and violent. Shown: John Ireland, Cyd Charisse.

6 a.m. (3 a.m.): “Party Girl” (1958, Nicholas Ray). In Nick Ray’s lusciously colorful and nervy gangland tale, Robert Taylor is a handsome mob attorney who milks sympathy from juries by walking on his crutches. Cyd Charisse is the leggy nightclub dancer/party girl he loves and Lee J. Cobb is Cyd’s other lover: Rico, the Chicago mob boss who carries a little vile of acid for anyone who double-crosses him. Set in 1930s Chicago, this is pure Ray: romantic, moody and violent. With John Ireland and Kent Smith.

Sunday, Oct. 7

4 a.m. (1 a.m.): “No Orchids for Miss Blandish” (1948, St. John Legh Clowes). A real oddity: British novelist James Hadley Chase’s bizarre take on American crime fiction, complete with a twisted gang boss, a kidnapped heiress, a cynical newsman, gunsels galore and pink gin. (Later remade quite well by Robert Aldrich in 1971 as “The Grissom Gang.”) With Jack LaRue and Linden Travers.

John Garfield

Tuesday, Oct. 9

1:30 p.m. (10:30 a.m.): “The John Garfield Story” (2003, David Heeley). Documentary-bio of the great, sensitive tough guy and New York City-born film noir star.

Wednesday. Oct. 10

8 p.m. (5 p.m.): “The Haunting” (1963, Robert Wise). From Shirley Jackson’s shivery, intellectual, supernatural novel “The Haunting of Hill House” – about a group of mostly amateur spook watchers (Richard Johnson, Claire Bloom, Russ Tamblyn and movie-stealer Julie Harris) in an “old dark house” – noir and horror master Robert Wise (“The Body Snatcher,” “Born to Kill”) and screenwriter Nelson Gidding weave a classic ghost movie, seemingly without ghosts. (Or is it?)

Thursday, Oct. 11 (Robert Aldrich Night)

(Robert Aldrich Night begins at 8 p.m. (5 p.m.) with a great adventure movie: Jimmy Stewart, Richard Attenborough and Peter Finch in 1965’s “The Flight of the Phoenix.”)

10:30 p.m. (7:30 p.m.): “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?” (1962, Robert Aldrich).

1 a.m. (10 p.m.): “The Legend of Lylah Clare” (1968, Robert Aldrich). Perverse backstage thriller about an obsessive Hollywood movie director (Peter Finch) trying to recreate the image of his dead wife, film legend Lylah Clare, in the body of a new blonde bombshell actress (Kim Novak). Echoes of “Vertigo” and “Baby Jane” abound. With Ernest Borgnine.

3:15 a.m. (12:15 a.m.): “Kiss Me Deadly” (1955, Robert Aldrich).

Free stuff from FNB: Win ‘Body and Soul’ with John Garfield

Ed L. is the winner of the September giveaway. (The prize is “The 39 Steps,” recently rereleased by Criterion on DVD and Blu-ray.)

The October giveaway is one of the most famous boxing movies ever made as well as a stellar film noir: “Body and Soul” (1947, Robert Rossen). John Garfield, starring opposite Lilli Palmer, received a Best Actor Oscar nomination as did Abraham Polonsky for his original screenplay. Francis D. Lyon and Robert Parrish won the Oscar for best editing. Shot by two-time Oscar winner James Wong Howe.

To enter this month’s giveaway, just leave a comment on any FNB post from Oct. 1-31. We welcome comments, but please remember that, for the purposes of the giveaway, there is one entry per person, not per comment.

The October winner will be randomly selected at the end of the month and announced in early November. Include your email address in your comment so that I can notify you if you win. Also be sure to check your email – if I don’t hear from you after three attempts, I will choose another winner. Your email will not be shared. Good luck!

‘The Paperboy’ delivers pulpy trash but proves a dull read

The Paperboy/2012/Millennium Films/107 min.

Were you to meet some unenlightened soul who was unfamiliar with the concept of pulpy trash, you needn’t blather on about lurid images, sordid secrets and sweaty flesh. You’d simply need to steer this person to a showing of “The Paperboy.” One big problem: despite being an over-the-top, often shocking, tangle of murder mystery, neo noir, lust triangle and family/race relations drama, the movie is oddly dull.

Writer/director Lee Daniels, who earned a directorial Oscar nom for 2009’s groundbreaking “Precious,” takes us on a murky, hazy, lazy journey to South Florida in 1969 and does a nice job evoking that time and place. “The Paperboy” refers to the youngest member of a newspaper family, Jack Jansen (Zac Efron), who gets wrapped up in a mystery and wracked by obsession. Narrating the story is the family’s longtime maid Anita (Macy Gray), introduced as if she were being interviewed.

Jack’s older brother Ward (Matthew McConaughey) is a smart, smooth Miami Times reporter. Ward returns to his hometown (Lately, Fla.), to follow a controversial story with his writing partner, Yardley Acheman (David Oyelowo), a disdainful outsider with an English accent. They’re convinced that slimy Hillary Van Wetter (John Cusack) – a former swamp-dweller who now sits on death row – has been wrongfully imprisoned for the murder of a corrupt sheriff.

Helping their efforts is Hillary’s fiancée, flirty, feisty Charlotte Bless (Nicole Kidman). Charlotte has a penchant for frosted pink lipstick, teased blonde hair and tight, tacky clothes. Oh, and for providing boxes of paperwork that she says supports Hillary’s innocence. When Jack begins driving the three of them around, he finds himself increasing drawn to Charlotte and dogged by darker and darker violence.

What starts as an engaging story ultimately proves flimsy and unsatisfying. (The depiction of “investigative journalism” is laughable.) The fact that we don’t know why Anita is narrating the story or to whom is one of many whys left unaddressed, the worst of which is why do we care? Apparently, that’s not a concern for Daniels who seems more into injecting the script with what?! just happened? This includes simulated sex, Kidman urinating on Efron in order to disinfect jellyfish stings and a scene in which McConaughey is brutally beaten and permanently disfigured. And we still don’t care. At least I didn’t.

On the plus side, “The Paperboy” seethes with period atmosphere; the grainy look and jittery editing add to the non-stop but misguided intensity. There are a few outstanding performances – Kidman mesmerizes as the trashy, troubled blonde and Efron holds his own as her devoted young suitor. Also effective are the scenes with Efron and Gray. McConaughey overdoes it as the slick, scar-faced Southerner. Cusack seems one-note as the puffy, greasy, low-down villain.

Though it might seem to have the makings of a tabloid masterpiece, “The Paperboy” isn’t much more than an eye-grabbing headline.

“The Paperboy” opens today in New York and LA.

‘Where Danger Lives’ should reside in your film noir library

Boldly over the top and irresistibly campy, film noir posters are endlessly fascinating and fun. So, I’m very excited to tell you about a terrific new study of classic movie posters and lobby cards that were used to entice viewers around the world.

Film Noir Graphics: Where Danger Lives” (CreateSpace, $39.95) by Alain Silver and James Ursini is an essential book for any noir library. The esteemed historians and authors of “The Noir Style” – as well as eight other volumes about film noir – here focus on a commercial art form that memorably represents the moods and mores of its era.

Says Ursini: “We have always wanted to do a book on noir posters and lobby cards. The graphics in these ads reflect many of the themes and iconography of noir in a very vivid way.”

Using more than 300 color illustrations never before reproduced in book form, Silver and Ursini trace the sometimes-lurid line of graphics from pulp magazines like Black Mask and the dust jackets of hard-boiled novels to the earliest examples of film noir. They also touch on sidebar topics such as fashion and Humphrey Bogart’s face on posters in the U.S. and abroad.

Primarily, though, the authors use these striking visuals to explore the genre’s context and subtext in an entertaining way. For example, in the chapter titled “Deadly is the Female,” they write: “There are some brunettes, the occasional red-head, but … the deadliest females in film noir are most often blonde.

“They don’t all have cigarettes dangling from their lips, a jaunty beret, or a pair of six guns in their hands, but the poses leave no question about what they’re selling. For the hapless victims, the dim-witted guys who take the bait and get caught in their mantraps, it really is ‘the kind of mistake a man can make only once!’ ”

Consider yourself warned. 😉 And definitely consider buying this book that is a rare combination: dazzling eye candy and compelling commentary from two of the best in the business.

Honey, your October noir horoscope is here

Actress Carole Lombard died in a plane crash in 1942. She was 33.

Fate reigns supreme in film noir, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love us some zodiac fun. Hope your October is full of frighteningly good times. And happy birthday, Libra and Scorpio! A special shout-out and remembrances to A-list Libras Clive Owen (Oct. 3), Kate Winslet (Oct. 5), Carole Lombard (Oct. 6), Rachel McAdams (Oct. 7), Elmore Leonard (Oct. 11), Rita Hayworth (Oct. 17), Viggo Mortensen (Oct. 20), Catherine Deneuve (Oct. 22) and mighty Scorpios Julia Roberts (Oct. 28) and Truman Capote and Louis Malle (both Oct. 30).

Libra (September 24-October 23): You will gain strength and confidence, making you even more irresistible than usual. Be ready for heady romance midmonth and perhaps some terrific birthday surprises. If your b’day has passed and you acquired some good loot, try going back in time and writing a letter, you know, a penned missive that you drop in the post. Make decadence a priority at least once a week.

Scorpio (October 24-November 22): An investment pays off in a surprising way, which is especially lovely if you happen to be celebrating your birthday. It’s good to be a material girl, no? The world of money and finance can be navigated, just stick with it, even if it’s not your cup of tea. A friend may approach with an idea for a shared adventure or a great Halloween costume. Prepare for excitement! On the work front, be daring, especially on 8th – you may be on the cusp of a major innovation.

Sagittarius (November 23-December 22): “The ones that say they don’t want anything always get more in the end,” says Ann Newton, the little girl in “Shadow of a Doubt” from 1943. In 2012, though, that’s rarely the case. More often than not, if you don’t speak up, you won’t get. So be vocal and, at work, have a good case for why you deserve what you’re asking for. On the romantic front, let yourself be wicked – as often as possible!

Clive Owen turns 48 on Oct. 3. Another round on me. Marc Horn photo.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20): Though it is your nature to give freely, remember that not everyone is wired that way so if an offer comes your way midmonth, be sure to examine whether there are strings attached that might not be apparent at first glance. On the 21st, surrender to pleasure. And on the 31st, calories don’t count, so grab yourself a goody bag or 12 and dig in. Diets be damned!

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): A fiendish impulse overtakes you on the 6th. By all means, follow it! Then, in honor of Halloween, invite a few of your friends over so you can lead them astray. Pour some Chianti, watch “The Silence of the Lambs” and gorge on candy. At work, remember that overnight sensations are few and far between. More often, major success is the result of patience and perseverance. Whatever you do, don’t give up! The 12th and 21st will be lucky days.

Pisces (February 20-March 20): A bothersome situation calls for decisive action. Brandish a big old kitchen knife, boss anyone who gets in your way and feel the power! You’re good at being in charge, it’s a gift that should be cherished, not hidden. Then get your aggressions out on a hapless pumpkin. You may hit a rough patch with someone in your inner circle, perhaps a lover or Sig Oth. Don’t rush through this or look for a quick fix – it will, in the end, bring you closer. Definitely choose trick if given a choice.

Matt Damon turns 42 this year. His birthday is Oct. 8.

Aries (March 21-April 20): “I lied. I felt like lying so I did,” says Joan Crawford (an Aries) ever so nonchalantly in “Possessed” from 1947. What harm can a few little white ones do? You can always reform on Nov. 1. And of course always, no matter what the date, do only what you feel like doing. If by some strange chance, you are afflicted with notions of goodness, kindness or altruism, rest assured that a long overdue visit with a close friend and fellow femme fatale will ground you right where you belong – on the deliciously dark side.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): As Halloween approaches, Destiny is on your doorstep. There’s really not much you can do, so why fight it? Instead, invite Fate in, mix some martinis, try to make small talk. True, you may be screwed but if that’s the case, there are bound to be some fun fireworks first. And more than likely Fate has bigger and better plans for you – like a slew of good luck and winning the lottery. You should probably start packing for the south of France as soon as you finish your yummy cocktail. The weekend of the 12th may be memorably romantic.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): “I don’t play monsters. I play men besieged by fate and out for revenge,” said the inimitable Vincent Price (May 27, 1911 – Oct. 25, 1993). As you ponder whether is revenge really worth it, you may come to the considered conclusion, “Hell, yes!” Of course, there is something to be said for that living well theory, especially if it involves an elegant dinner or perhaps a shopping binge. Your calendar suddenly fills up very quickly so trust that you will have somewhere to wear that new LBD.

Ryan Reynolds (newly married to Blake Lively) will be 36 on Oct. 23.

Cancer (June 22-July 23): Having trouble choosing a costume? Choose the one that’s most daring and shows off your best features. Then find ways to wear it more than once and why rule out the gym, yoga studio or grocery store? People take life entirely too seriously. Make it your goal to mix it up this month and vary your routine, especially when it comes to your love life. Your curiosity and sensitivity serve you well on the 18th but remember to weigh options carefully.

Leo (July 24-August 23): You may encounter sudden resistance or abrupt withdrawal from a contributor to a project. Frankly, it’s rather shocking for you. So, you fret: Did I say the wrong thing? Was page 47 of my report slightly creased? Was it wrong to wear fish-nets and thigh-high boots to our last meeting? No, no and no! Unless of course the fish-nets were drafty and you caught a chill. Don’t overthink this or take it personally. The project will go on and may even improve as a result of this development. And good God, if all that stress doesn’t justify a little romantic fling, I don’t know what does.

Virgo (August 24-September 23): Feeling overwhelmed? Well, no one ever said that treachery, entrapment and general bad-girlness wasn’t a major time-suck. Hair and makeup alone consume precious slots in your schedule. Make a master list of everything you’d like to accomplish, prioritize, set deadlines and don’t look back! If you can’t get to everything or have to knock a few items off the list, don’t feel guilty. Better to complete a few really flawless seductions than to fritter your energy away on endless flirtations. But rest assured you will be irresistible when you decide to turn on the charm. On the 7th, there may be extra cash in your pocket.